Talking S*** About Sewers

Jay Kerner
Publisher/S*** Stirrer

I value my sewer connection. Let me be clear on that!

I think sanitation is what separates us from the lesser beasts. (Though some are certainly separated further than others.)

But modern sanitation ain’t a walk in the park.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go back to those halcyon days, when you could just dump your waste in the river? Arrogantly thumbing our noses at anybody downstream, and blessedly ignorant of anybody above.

But these days, we handle our s*** differently.

The EPA has their noses deep into our s***. They didn’t approve of our old system. Held our hands to the flame to encourage long overdue upgrades. Overdue because they are expensive as …. ok, you get it.

And who is covering the cost of these expensive upgrades? Mr. and Mrs. Joe, that’s who!

People coming here, from other places, probably don’t even notice, but long time locals can’t help but react to the increases. Holy crap!
But The Regular Joe is here for you. Ready to go as low as necessary to get the poop, er scoop.

We’ve taken this intel and plotted out a Strategic Sewer Plan, which we’re providing to our readers for free. This plan is guaranteed to save you money, So listen up!

#1 Jack up the multiplier. I’ve heard from a semi-reliable source, that the water company uses the first two months of the calendar year to set a multiplier, which they then apply to your bill, the rest of the year. If so, it’s kind of sneaky. They know we’re stuck inside. It’s even too cold to pee off the back deck, (as I understand some people are occasionally inclined to do).

So, jack it up! No washing, no flushing. Shower at the gym. Use a bowl and a pitcher like your great-grandparents. No shaving. Save those number two’s for the office, but you may need a schedule if everyone else catches on. We’ll all be a little smelly by Washington’s birthday, but buck up and do like the French, pour on the cologne. Come March 1, we can all get cleaned up, smug in the knowledge that we’ve taken a stand against the man! I don’t know what man, but surely there’s one in there somewhere. So, ha ha, you bastard!

#2 This is for the more devious among us. And particularly, the passive/aggressive. They say every time you eat out, you’re “voting with your fork”. Voting for which restaurants make it and conversely, by your absence, which ones don’t. Think of this as “Voting with your Flush”.

Every time you push that handle, it costs money. And the cost keeps going up.

So eat local, poop global! Spend your money with the locals but do your “other” business with the out of town joints. And when you do, wash your hands! Thoroughly!

Now, I’m not talking about eliminational terrorism. Restrooms are for customers only! Buy some gum! Or a water to go. Just a small purchase to justify your use of the facilities.

Now, you’re sticking it to two different men!

Note: ladies, I’m using “man” in only the historical context, realizing that the “man” in question may just as likely sit down to pee, regardless of gender.

#3 This is the hard one, and sadly has the lowest chance of success. I only include it for the few random ears it may find. Quit using so damn much water!

Your sewer bill is generated by your water bill! If you get nothing more from my nonsense, get that!

There are so many ways to conserve water! I’m not going to waste space on tons of things, easy to find elsewhere. But would it kill you to set up a cheap rain-barrel or two?

Watering your lawn? Your sewer bill will show it, whether a drop hits the sewer system or not. It’s how it’s set up.

Save your laundry until you can do full loads. You wouldn’t believe how much water (and sewer) is used, washing small and partial loads.

How about the old adage, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down? Don’t make me explain it.

It used to be that you watched your water bill and barely noticed your sewer bill. Those days are down the drain!

But the good news is, there are things we can all do to lessen the impact. It just takes a little thought, a little planning, and sometimes a just a wee touch of orneriness.